Also in the daylight, I can see the rocks which others are carrying. I'm glad over and over again that I'm not one of the buff guys on the retreat, as they feel the responsibility of always taking the largest rock available. Their yoke is not easy; to call their burdens small boulders is no stretch. I vary my rock choices a bit to test my limits, but I don't get too crazy. At this point, we could be moving rocks the entire weekend for all I know--can't wear myself too thin in our first session of the day!
I also have found the posture that is most comfortable for me. I choose to carry the rock on my hip, like a small child. The most common method seems to be to support the rock in front of the body with both hands, so I try this, but it is uncomfortable for me.
I'm also observing different strides and paces. Some people are walking very meditatively. I admire that because it's not my style--I try it and have no patience for it. I am driven by the habit of stepping more quickly when there's a task at hand. This notion is enhanced by the notion that if I walk slowly, others may have to work more. I find a clip which keeps me moving decently without losing my breath.
Oh yeah, breath. Concentration, will, and breath. These are the three components of accomplishing just about anything. I'm trying to learn this lesson--in fact, I've been working on it for quite some time. It's in my notes from last year's retreat! I really shouldn't squander this rock-carrying time by letting my mind wander. I focus on my breath.
Inevitably, my mind diverges from breath. I have a hard enough time stilling my mind in a quiet room, comfortably sitting on a pillow, let alone in this setting. Focusing while carrying the rock, with the distractions of all the other people coming and going, will be a great exercise for me. I bring my focus back. Then a song comes in my head. "She Loves Me Like a Rock" sits itself in my ear, no joke. Even when I think "I am a Rock" is a more appropriate choice, I keep finding myself hearing the former instead. (Paul Simon must've carried rocks...what's with his "rock" theme??) Focus, focus, focus. Breathe. Next I find myself counting steps. How did that start? That's weird, I don't even remember starting to count! Focus. Breathe. OK, two trips down, one or two to go. I start looking at where I'm at in the line, wondering if I'll be one of the few making a fourth trip. Then I feel ashamed for feeling excited that maybe I'm far enough back to be done at three rocks. Wanting to punish myself for such a lazy thought, I vow to make sure I'm in the front of the pack the next time we move the rocks...
...or will there be a next time? You know what, maybe this is it! After all, we're just moving the rocks back to their original location, so maybe that's the completion of the exercise...what is wrong with me? Why all these lazy thoughts? OK, I'm tired, but still....focus! Breathe!
I have a very nice meditation. My zafu (meditation pillow) has never felt so comfortable! A little bit of exercise allows me to relax very effortlessly into a mindless state. I listen to God. He doesn't speak to me in words, but I open my heart and allow the divine spark within me to shine with His light. I feel Mother Earth beneath me. I feel the hearts opening of the people around me. I feel perfect. I think nothing. Not even of rocks.
The Tibetan Singing Bowl which woke me so abruptly at 4 am now rings softly and beautifully as I am gently pulled from my meditation. I am so content and peaceful.
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| Tibetan Singing Bowl |
Well, it turns out that the "It's time to move the rocks!" gong is struck several more times this day. I don't count, because I try not to care. Was it six times? I don't know, truly. As the day passes, the internal griping stops. I'm so grateful because I didn't like that voice in my head at all! Sifu speaks to us in the afternoon about our rock carrying and guides us a little bit in our task. I am asking myself how a saint would carry the rocks. Sifu suggests it would be effortless. I think yes, a saint would find devotion and gratitude in all his/her work. After these thoughts, I'm looking forward to the next gong! I challenge myself to raise my attitude, too!
I'm surprised how easy it is, actually, to shift my thinking. I'm so grateful I'm not walking four miles daily to gather water. I'm so grateful I'm doing this by choice, not for survival. I'm so grateful I don't perform hard labor all day. Gratitude for being at the retreat, gratitude toward Sifu for giving me this opportunity, gratitude toward my fellow carriers for their amazing support and inspiring work ethic. The positive thoughts keep flowing, and although my body continues to be more sore and fatigued, while my feet ache and swell, each challenge only causes the gratitude to go deeper.
Turns out, the lessons I would learn from this monotonous task continue to unfold. The layers are deep.
Read the final installment, Part 3, here!
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