Dear Facebook, It's Not You... Days 1-3 of The Great Break-up

I love the cartoon imagery from my childhood of the snowball rolling down the mountain.  It starts so small and innocent.  Fun-sized snowball.  Before long, however, it grows to a tremendous size, picking up momentum as it crashes down the mountain until it eventually collides with an innocent bystander, whose limbs are seen poking out at unnatural angles.

Sunday night was when the snowball I call social media collided with me.

Fun-sized Facebook was so entertaining.  An introvert's and extrovert's dream both, which is a bizarre juxtaposition itself.  At first, I was curious about where people from my past had gone--classmates, students (I was a teacher), co-workers, family members...I searched them all.  Oh yeah, and past boyfriends, of course, but I'm probably the only one who did THAT!  ;)  It was fun to reconnect and catch up!  It wasn't long, however, until I had searched pretty much everyone I could think of.

The next phase was maintaining connections with everyone I met who seemed interesting.  Then it was businesses I liked, news feeds I wanted to follow, celebrities, groups, etc.  It wasn't long until I had over 400 connections!  A ridiculous number!  I graduated with 130-some people, and I didn't even know all of them, what in the world was happening?

As Facebook grew more ubiquitous, it became annoying when someone WASN'T on Facebook.  How dare they?  Don't they know how inconvenient it was for ME to have to tell them news and share pictures individually?  They should be more sensitive to how busy I am, and just follow my feed.  Everything important I post there, including pictures of the kids, major life changes, and maybe what I made for dinner--like I said, the important things.

Well, now I am one of THEM.  I have QUIT Facebook!!!  As I mentioned, the gargantuan snowball struck me Sunday evening as I fell into a personal crisis, realizing that in the past several months, I had not 1) visited my parents just to say hello--only when I needed something, 2) read more than a few pages at a time, not completing any book, 3) picked up my knitting needles, and 4) finished my summer project.  These sound like little things, but they are very important tools in keeping my sanity.  In addition, my house had gotten very cluttered (recently emptying the boat's contents into my first floor), and my MIND was cluttered.

Cue breakdown.  Tears.  I was alone in my car, so I could freely let them roll...no kids or husband to fake happiness for.  In this moment, I realized that there aren't a LOT of things I can change in my life (nor want to), but it was time to take action where I could.

I decided then and there to deactivate my Facebook account.

Why?  The answer is complex.  I want to be clear--I don't think anything is wrong with Facebook inherently.  In fact, there are lots of wonderful things, which I miss already, after only three days.  But the bad was outweighing the good for me at this time in my life.  No judgment on people who love and use Facebook--it's just wrong for me right now.

So again...why?  Facebook clutters my mind.  I simply cannot maintain that many relationships.  I WANT to.  There are so many people I love and care about, and I want to know when they're not feeling well and wish them good health.  I want to see awesome pictures of the many fantastic children in my life, both family and friends.  I want to see my loved ones out there doing awesome things and being joyful.  But it also is just too much.  I've always been the kind of person who has just a small circle of people with whom I am close to, never really desiring more.  In addition, I have a need to connect deeply with people.  I can't just "troll" Facebook...I've tried it before, when attempting to downsize my FB time.  It just doesn't work for me.  If I see something lovely, I have to "like" or comment on it, or it feels like I'm being dishonest, somehow.  I know that seems pretty bizarre.  I agree.  But it's just how I am.  Then every time I comment or like, there's the feed which follows, and I have to read all of that.  Or maybe I'm having a conversation about something, and I keep checking my phone throughout the day to see if anything further has been said.  Sometimes I see something that really gets my blood boiling, or maybe some really interesting debate has popped up, or some wrong has been done.  My ideology takes over and I end up being dragged into a saga--those are really bad. The feeling weighs me down for at least a day, and I feel physical stress as I continue to check the feed over and over and over again to defend my position.

So when I realized I was reaching for my phone almost constantly, like an addict, I knew I had to go cold turkey.  And when I announced it to my family and one of my sons actually clapped, I knew I made the right decision.   They all knew I was overly addicted, but how do you approach Mom about such a thing?

I wanted to blog about my experience, because it has been extremely interesting.  Maybe there are things a reader can relate to.  I hope my sharing is useful to someone, because quite honestly, it's embarrassing, and I'd like to see a positive outcome for others!

Day 0: The Deactivation

As I mentioned, this was Sunday night, September 28 2014.  I learned that Deactivating my account doesn't delete it, which made the leap much easier to make.  As part of the process, I had to decide whether I would still get certain notifications...I chose not to.  I had tried to limit my FB exposure before, and it still felt like it was beckoning to me constantly.  Cold turkey I went!

Day 1:  Now What?

My mornings usually began with FB in bed.  Since I use my iphone for an alarm, it was easy to just turn it off, roll over and see what was happening on Facebook.  Hmm.  Now what?  Well, I thought I'd check text messages.  None.  Check email.  Nothing too exciting there.  Words with Friends?  Couple turns to take...then I guess I've got to get up.  So much for taking a slow 10 minutes to catch up on my 400+ friends, world news, local news, and kitten videos.

When I sat down at my computer with a nice cup of coffee, I kid you not, I blanked.  I couldn't go to Facebook...Now what?  I actually just sat there with my fingers perched over the keyboard, and my mind was blank.  I didn't know what to do.  OK, guess I'll check email.  20 seconds later, I'm done with that.  Now what?  I guess it's time to work.

After so much work, I needed a little break.  I thought I'd text some friends and let them know I'm off Facebook--I wouldn't want them looking for me and thinking I had blocked them!  Mom, too.  OK, text text text...that was fun, but I felt a little intrusive.  Maybe I'll have to email them in the future.  That sounds so old-fashioned!   I also was a little embarrassed to explain my new situation, because this respite probably won't last, and I'll be back on in a few days, looking all wishy-washy.

I made it through the first day, and I felt a little more clear--all those dangling conversations and issues were over.  I continuously fought the urges though, including the response to just grab my phone in any lull throughout the day.

Day 2:  Remorse

This is the day I started to think about all the awesome parts of Facebook I would miss, and wonder how to remedy them, if at all.  I thought about my biological grandfather, and how we got a chance to know each other for the first time in our lives through Facebook.  I loved seeing all his "likes" for the pictures and video I would post.  I'll miss that.  I do have his email, though, so I can still connect with him once in a while.

I thought about my nieces and nephews, great nieces and great nephews.  I love them all so much, and their lives are so busy--how would I ever keep up with them?  They are all so important to me.  This is maybe the toughest one.  I can't expect them to keep me in the loop about their goings-on.  I'll try to do what I can with email and texting and maybe even letters, catching up at holidays and other gatherings, but it won't be the same.  This makes me sad.  However, I know that 10 years ago, social networking didn't exist, and people still had great family connections.  I would just have to figure it all out, hopefully with their patience, love, and desire to maintain my presence in their lives.

I thought about some of my FB groups--especially my neighborhood group.  Facebook has been such a great way for all of us to be connected.  So, now my new role will be neighborhood hermit.  Can't be too hard on myself, though, since only a fraction of us were using it.  Still, I'll miss the interaction.

On the positive side, I was starting to really like my independence from social media.  I was getting used to not having my mind constantly rolling around in the fodder.  I truly, truly felt more peaceful.  The internal clutter was waning.  I felt really good about my decision, despite the sadness I was feeling at the potential loss.

Day 3:  Feeling Philosophical

This brings us to tonight, the end of Day 3.  I am actually really loving my decision at this point.  I am very surprised at how good my head feels.  I am so much lighter!  I am looking my kids in the eye more.  That is so embarrassing to say, but often they would approach me with a question while I was on my phone, and I would sort of "Mmmm hmmmm" my way through it.  I hate that I used to do that!  My eyes are watering thinking about it.

I'm remembering the way things used to be prior to the social media frenzy.  The sheer number of people I would interact with on a normal day as a stay-at-home mom was probably less than 5!  Yet I never felt lonely--there were always friends available whenever I needed them.  That was more sane than trying to authentically interact with 50 in a day, and if you count strangers in a comment feed, probably in excess of 100.  That's insane for an introvert like myself.  I am seeing with clear eyes and heart that this is where I need to be.

I also notice that I'm emailing and texting my few close friends more.  Something cool happens, or I take a neat picture, or want to share a piece of news, and I choose a single friend to text or email it to.  I'm pretty satisfied with that.  I am not feeling like there's any more satisfaction in sharing it with the masses.

Although I did have the thought (which my friend also pointed out), how will I get my blog out there if I can't post it to Facebook?  Hmmm.....I guess I'll have to send it to a few friends and see if any of them see it worthy of posting!  That feels a little like accepting dirty money, but I'll take it!

I encourage you to "follow" my blog here if you're interested in reading more of my writing, which is mostly just sharing from my heart about things I experience.  Following will allow you to receive notifications when I have new posts, since I can't "post" myself anymore!  Please comment, also, if you would be so kind!

More later on my quitting of Facebook!

Warmly,
Julie