When Your Adult Child is Inconsolable

This will be a short post.  I just wanted to share that when my children were babies, we were pummeled with advice regarding letting them cry at night as part of their self-soothing training. There were entire books on it! We, fortunately, never had to resort to this method, as the twins were natural self-soothers and had no problems slowly transitioning to sleeping through the night.

Now my sons are 19 years old. Last night I had to walk away from one of them, leaving him sobbing. It was INCREDIBLY hard. Two hours had already passed where I held him, soothed him with words, did gratitude exercises with him, etc., yet the sobs kept coming. I could see how exhausted he was. Do you remember that exhausted cry babies would also do? Same thing. Nothing was going to be resolved without some sleep.

I explained to him the need for sleep, and as long as I sat there responding to his flow of tragic ideas, we would continue being stuck in the circle we had been running.  I would be leaving the room so we both could get some sleep, but if he needed me to return, he could knock or text.

And I walked away.

I entered the bedroom where my husband's wide eyes reflected my own fear and hesitations.  The sobbing cranked up a notch.  There were even some wails. I truly felt we had to let it go.  Sure enough, within just a few minutes, there was movement from his room. I heard him going through the motions of getting ready for bed, including a trip to brush his teeth. No more sobbing.  I breathed a little bit easier, but there was of course the steady sadness which wouldn't dissipate for...well, weeks? Those sounds haunt you.

In hindsight, I wish I had walked away an hour earlier. I'm posting all this because we don't talk a lot about the challenges of emerging adult children. Their anxieties and fears are so real, and they're often navigating so many stresses alone (he was home on Fall Break).  I did a quick Google search on adult children crying and the like.  I was shocked to find nothing directly applicable. Amazon books identified some guides for family members of the depressed, which may contain some help, but the information wasn't readily available.

Had I heard buzz at some point about the value in walking away from a distraught adult child while in the throes of a breakdown combined with exhaustion and circularity, I might've left earlier and shortened the duration of the strain.  So here is my shared experience perhaps for someone else to benefit from.

One more note--the common marriage advice of "never go to bed angry?" I think it's ridiculous. For my husband and I, married 23 years, if an argument is raised in the late evening, we've GOT to go to bed angry and handle it when well-rested and more rational. Too many times we've tried to resolve things when tired and the result is always more anger and resentment. Every time we've gone to bed angry, the morning is absolutely fine and resolution is quickly achieved.  Just my two cents on that one, but it obviously relates to last night's situation with my son.

In a nutshell--sometimes it's best to walk away, even though it may seem cruel and is very difficult, but do it with explanation, compassion, and an invitation to reconvene.  Listen closely and monitor the situation, which may escalate a bit before resolving, as in our case, or perhaps it worsens without petering out, and you'd have to judge how to react based on how the situation is developing.

I wish you the best in working with your exhausted, emotional, struggling adult child.  I am not a therapist or psychologist, just sharing my parenting experience.

Namaste